If you’re having a bad day, just remember things could always be worse…

Whenever I see a girl’s skirt/dress get blown up, in my mind they always do a Marilyn Monroe. In reality, it’s prob more like “m-effer!”

If Dick Clark does not count in the new year, there might not be a 2013. If this is true, then maybe the Mayans were right…

It’s a shame that no one’s replaced Dick Clark’s batteries yet. Don’t worry, there’s still hope. 

I wonder if you grab a stranger by the shirt & yell ”who do you work for?!”, how many people do you go thru before you get a sincere answer?

I just saw an old man walking like he was still sitting in a chair. That’s living proof that you shouldn’t stay in one place for too long.

Every time I try to fake whisper, it just sounds like I’m saying ”hospice” over and over again. 

I wonder if morticians ever dream about doing what they do, just with alive people.

What’s worse than someone talking in the third person? Someone talking in the third person who’s name is “Simon”.

When I watched G.I. Joe, I always sided w/ Cobra. They were much cooler & a lot less annoying. Am I the only one?

On cereal boxes it says “enlarged to show texture”. Who’s the idiot who thought Apple Jacks were supposed to be the size of golf balls?

I’m not sure what ”The Hunger Games” is about, but in my mind it’s a movie about eating contests.

Is it wrong to conduct your own acting lessons by going on blind dates & acting like a character you’ve made up? If so, I’ve never done that.

I wonder if any Jehovah’s Witness’ favorite band is The Doors…

I feel powerful when I make popcorn. I always say “dance, popcorn, dance!”and it listens every time.